The Art of Dumping
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: What do our favorite Bleach characters do when they need to take a dump?
1. Espadas

**The Art of Dumping**

**Characters/Pairings: Various**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: What do the Espadas do when they need to take a dump?**

**A/N: This is going to be a three-shot. The second and third chapters will feature the captains and lieutenants of the Gotei 13. I hope you all enjoy and that you review and tell me what you think!**

**Thanks for reading. :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.**

* * *

**Coyote Starrk: **He puts it off to sleep a while longer, and minutes later Lillinette sees him dashing across the room for the bathroom.

**Barragan Luisenbarn:** "Ingrates. I am far too great for some simple body function. I am-"

Barragan paused abruptly. His Fracción loomed close as one of the muscles in his face jumped and he immediately began struggling to get out of his chair.

"FOOLS! GET ME TO A BATHROOM, THIS INSTANT! HURRY!" They did just that.

Unfortunately, Barragan had weak continence and ended up shitting all over himself halfway to the bathroom**.**

**Tia Harribel: **She disappears for awhile and then reappears, having done the deed without drawing attention to herself.

**Nelliel Tu Odelshvank (former **_**tres**_**): **"OH MY GOD! PESCHE! DANDOCHAKKA! HURRYYY! I NEED TO GO POTTY, LIKE, RIGHT NOW!"

**Ulquiorra Schiffer:** "There's really no point in indulging in such a pointless-" Ulquiorra paused...blinked. "Excuse me." He swiftly walked away, posture more rigid than ever.

**Nnoitora Jiruga:** "OUTTA MY FUCKING WAY!" Nnoitora screamed, running down the hall and plowing down passerby as he went.

**Grimmjow Jeagerjaques: **"HOLY SHIT!" Grimmjow yelled. Everyone in the meeting hall, including a narrow-eyed Aizen, turned to look at him.

"I need to drop a load. NOW." Grimmjow shoved Nnoitora's chair over, dumping the _quinta _into the floor, and rushed for the door.

**Zommari Leroux:** "My Amour will take care of it." Zommari continued to meditate. A minute later, he accepted that his Amour wasn't going to do shit about it and hurried to the bathroom.

**Szayel Aporro Grantz:** "_Please, _you simpletons. I have already come up with a scientific solution to that...irksome problem." No one believed him.

**Aaroniero Arrurerie:** He has a spastic colon because of his eating habits and shits spontaneously.

He was at a meeting with Aizen once when he spontaneously shit in his seat. Everybody smelled it.

Aizen was far from pleased. Gin, for once, was _not _smiling, and subtly backed towards the door.

Tousen frowned deeply.

Grimmjow and Nnoitora began pouring a waterfall of curses at him, but Aaroniero couldn't fucking stop and grabbed on tightly to the sides of his chair as shit exploded forcefully out of his ass.

Szayel began screaming because he was sitting right next to the _Noveno _and a potpourri of shit was spraying his virgin clean uniform. Aaroniero screamed, too, shit erupting from his ass the entire time.

This scene went on for about half a minute, Aaroniero screaming, Szayel screaming, Starrk sleeping through it all. Barragan wheeled his wrinkled ass on out of there with Harribel following him.

By the time it finally died down, Aaroniero's ass was still oozing a bit and he was now sitting on a huge gooey pile that probably weighed at least five pounds.

Szayel got up, still screaming, nearly slipped on the shit, and dashed out of the room, his uniform now a leapord-printed article spattered with ka-ka. A kaleidoscope of fecal matter decorated the table. Aizen just sighed and got up to leave, a handerchief held over his mouth and nose.

Aaroniero exhaled heavily, asshole sore.

**Yammy Rialgo:** Yammy takes a dump that has a nuclear effect on all of Los Noches and completely levels the facilities he used. The carnage is unbelievable. Reconstruction takes a month.

* * *

**A/N: This is the second almost-fic that I've written on Aaroniero's bowel movements. I don't know why, it just fascinates me. I was hysterical while I wrote his section. Especially at Szayel's reaction. It's just so hilarious.**

**Show of hands. Who laughed their asses off? *raises hand* Heheheheh.**


	2. Captains

**Summary: What the captains do when they need to take a dump.**

**A/N: Thank you so much for all your reviews! They made me smile. I'm happy that the story got such positive responses, so here's the next chappy! **

**I hope you all like it! :)**

* * *

**Shigekuni Yamamoto Genryusai:** He gets up slowly and excuses himself from the room. Much like his ripped chest, he also has a muscled colon and does not have continence issues likes Barragan.

**Soi Fon: **Her bathroom breaks are covert missions in themselves. No one ever sees them happen.

**Rose Otorabashi:** He takes his guitar with him to the bathroom. Maybe he'll get inspiration there. Who knows?

**Gin Ichimaru (former captain): **He just smiles creepily at Izuru and says something about attending to personal business before leaving.

**Retsu Unohana: **She heads off serenely to do the deed.

**Shinji Hirako:** "Huh. I've gotta pinch a loaf. I'll be back."

**Sosuke Aizen (former captain): **As a captain: "If you'll excuse me, there are certain urgent matters I have to tend to."

As a demi-god: "I have no use for such matters." Aizen just blinked. A minute passed. He got up from his throne and the motion caused his cheeks to relax, allowing a long high-pitched fart to pass from his ass.

All of his followers shrank away, repulsed by the toxic stink. Nnoitora giggled hysterically, pointing his finger at his god.

"THE FUCK WAS THAT?" Grimmjow howled, pinching his nose tightly with his fingers.

Someone in the background made wretching noises. Aizen glowered down at them, silencing his obediant supporters as the deadly cloud permeated their once clean air.

The stern look passified them. They all dealt with it and held their breath until Aizen left them to go take a steaming dump.

After all, this was only the tip of the iceberg. There were far worse things Aizen could go...like picking his boogers and putting them in obvious places such as his throne or the underside of the table in the meeting hall.

Later, he would convince everybody Nnoitora or Grimmjow (the troublemakers) had done it and he would make them scrape the petrified boogers off every conceivable surface in Las Noches.

Yes...it wasn't easy pleasing your god.

**Byakuya Kuchiki: **He gets up without saying anything or addressing anybody and leaves. If he's stopped by someone, he swiftly dismisses them.

As soon as he's alone—_finally _alone—he sighs and allows his body to unwind, unleashing the torrent of gas he'd been holding all day. His body bows and he puts a hand on the wall as he squeezes out one more fart.

Not wanting to linger in the stench, he opens the door and hurries past a maid just as she steps into the toxic cloud he'd emitted and shrieks.

**Sajin Komamura:** He's too self-conscious to use public restrooms so he goes into the woods to handle his business. He buries it so one accidentally steps in it.

**Shunsui Kyoraku:** "Nanaoooo. Would you like to hold my hand while I walk to the bathroom?" WHAM.

**Kaname Tousen (former captain): **"Pardon me. The path of least bloodshed is leading me to the facilities."

**Kensei Muguruma:**"Excuse me." Mashiro, who was staying over for the weekend to eternally harass him, looked up at Kensei with an almost miffed expression.

She was sprawled across the floor doodling on his paperwork while at the same time effectively blocking the doorway.

His jaw clenched when she asked, "Why?"

"It's none of your business!" he barked. "Now move the hell out of my way!"

"Well, it's obviously not that important. 'Sides, you could always just step over me."

Kensei felt his spine go ramrod straight and his cheeks tightened at the thought of moving his legs that far apart just to get across her when he was already sure he couldn't hold it.

"Mashiro, _move!" _he ground out.

"No," she said briskly.

They shared banter for 30 minutes before Mashiro finally gave up, at which point Kensei was constipated and needed a laxative bad. With his ex-vice-captain around so often, he was surprised he wasn't impacted.

**Toushiro Hitsugaya:** "Matsumoto, can you handle this stack of paperwork while I go out?"

Rangiku looked at the aforementioned "stack," which looked more like a mountain.

"Aw, captain, do I have to?" she whined. "There's so much I have to do."

"Unless it entails you shirking your duties as a lieutenant, I think it can wait," he said, in dire need of a toilet now.

"Captain, how did you know! That's exactly what they told me! Thank you so much for understanding, you're the best!"

Strawberry blonde hair streaming behind her, she pivoted and darted for the door. Toshirou sighed heavily. It looked like the bathroom would have to wait...

**Kenpachi Zaraki: **He leaves Yachiru temporarily in Ikkaku's care, scares everybody out of the restroom, and spends forever using the toilet.

Afterward, he doesn't flush and leaves a nice surprise for the next occupant...who so happens to be Yumichika.

"OH MY GOD!" The 3rd seat flies from the facilities, arms pinwheeling. "UGLINESS! UGLINESS!" he screams, voice carrying through the barracks.

**Mayuri Kurotsuchi: **He claims to have also made a solution to that, like Szayel. No one still believes it.

**Jushiro Ukitake: **He's too cute and handsome for anyone to think of him doing his personal business.


	3. Lieutenants

**What the lieutenants do when they need to take a dump**

* * *

**A/N: So this is the last chapter. I've had so much fun doing this fic, but don't worry, this is not the end! If you've read my profile, you'll know that this fic is going to be the beginning of a series wherein the Bleach characters face situations we experience everyday in life.**

**I hope you all go check the others out and that you've enjoyed the Art of Dumping. Thank you for reading and commenting. Your reviews really made me smile. :) I'm glad to know I made you guys laugh, and there's more where this came from.**

* * *

**Chojirou Sasakibe: **"Pardon me." He bows and leaves.

**Marechiyo Ohmaeda:**He pays the occupants (if there are any) to leave to the restroom so he can have it all to himself, bars the door, and lays a nice steaming pile. When he comes out finally, all the noxious fumes spill out into the hallway, practically killing everyone waiting in line.

All the men are forced to use the girl's restroom and eventually someone complains to Soi Fon, who finally caves and has a personal bathroom constructed for him.

**Izuru Kira: **He sighs heavily and goes to the restroom while fretting that someone else will walk in.

**Isane Kotetsu: **She politely excuses herself after seeing to it that Unohana doesn't require her assistance.

**Momo Hinamori: **She wishes someone were there to walk with her to the bathroom.

**Renji Abarai:** He usually says something like, "I've gotta take a dump" out of habit from his street days, and gets a dark glower from Byakuya or Rukia. He then slinks away, whip-lashed.

**Tetsuzeamon Iba: **He greets the other guys in the bathroom and shares conversation about how the day's gone while he does his business.

**Nanao Ise: **She breaks Shunsui's arm when he tries to escort her to the bathroom.

**Shuuhei Hisagi:** He keeps putting it off to perform his other duties until Kensei finally hits him over the back of the head and barks at him to go do what needs to be done.

**Rangiku Matsumoto: **She usually tries to pair up with another girl to share gossip in the restroom.

**Yachiru Kusajishi: **Peeps under the stalls in the men's and women's bathrooms, literally scaring the shit out of them. An alternative is Yachiru clogging the commodes up with tons of toilet paper and squealing with delight as water pours out onto the floor and floods the barracks.

**Nemu Kurotsuchi: **She lets Rangiku walk with her sometimes, but that's the only time anybody sees her going to the bathroom. When she's with Mayuri, he makes her hold it.

**Rukia Kuchiki: **She politely excuses herself or endures Rangiku.


End file.
